i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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