I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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