Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
