Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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