sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
