At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
