don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
