so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
