Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
