i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
