this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
