I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
