1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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