if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize