she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
