Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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