i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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