just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My bed smells like the plague
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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