"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
