Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
