at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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