Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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