you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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