I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
