i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
