Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
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suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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