i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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