My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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