last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
the liver wants what the liver wants
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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