he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
