I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This house was built for laser tag.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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