I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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