i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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