my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
