You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
