ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
