I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
