How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
