tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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