i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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