Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
