Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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