Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
