New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You made out with two different species that night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So vagazzling was a success
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
