Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
