last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
