There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
