Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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