I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You made out with two different species that night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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