I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
