You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just found puke in my bra..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
