i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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