I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
