she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
