Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
