I'm lost and stupid without you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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