pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
