yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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