How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
