I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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