I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
