You made me cry and you don't even care
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
