So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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