I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
